Goodbye.

It has taken a few days for me to process this and even then I still am having an issue grasping everything. On November 22^nd, 2012 just after three in the afternoon my mother lost her battle with Ovarian Cancer. She went quietly as we were all laughing and joking in the living room together. It pains me to think about it and realize what happened. The only thing that I can say is that we were all there together being ourselves.

It’s difficult to realize this happened and I understand I am being redundant, but things are finally starting to hit me. I don’t get to call, text, see, or talk to my mother ever again. I can’t begin to understand this, why it happened, or how to process this loss. Of all the people I’ve ever met I thought she would be the one to beat this horrible disease and be there to watch my daughter grow up, see my sister get married, and most of all see my brother graduate high school in five years. Instead we had to peacefully lay my mother to rest forever yesterday in the early afternoon. It was possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do, say good-bye to my mother years before I should have had to.

The End Journey.

It’s been many months since I wrote anything on here. After that initial chemotherapy, remission was never possible again. I remember the joy and euphoria that was overflowing at the beginning of January 2011 when we got that amazing news that everything was in remission. That was far too short lived because in March 2011 we got that dreaded news that it was back. Now after many combinations of chemotherapy, multiple hospitals stays, we are at the end of the road.

As of last Friday (November 9, 2012) my mom was put into hospice care. She is at home and being made as comfortable as possible. She was brought home with the understanding that she had days/a week to live. At that point things still had not hit me and I’m not sure if they really have as I write this. I understand the purpose of hospice and what they are supposed to represent, a dignified, comfortable end. I can’t help but want a more skilled nurse for my mother and question their medication regime. She is showing mottling on her extremities on the right side of her body, on her back, and on the left side the extremities and skin is cold/freezing to the touch. She is sleeping probably twenty plus hours a day and barely eating or in taking fluids. Her blood pressure is so low that it can’t be registered, having trouble swallowing basic liquids, and is in what almost seems like a semi-coma state. Not to mention when she does open her eyes they are maybe half-way open, glassy, and she looks right through you. This is all normal as far as the dying process is concerned. My issue with hospice is the “nurse” that is assigned to my mom. My mother is showing almost every sign of actively dying according to all the research I’ve done and what every other person associated with hospice has said to me and my family. Yet, this nurse has the audacity to tell my family she thinks my mother has several weeks?

I understand that she has seen things like this before, but are you fucking serious? I suppose I need to be mad at someone and since I don’t believe in god, I can’t be mad at that. So I am pissed at the nurse and her blatant false hope she gave my family.

To give some background on the situation, back in July/August 2012 it was confirmed that the cancer had spread to my mom’s brain in four different locations. From there we went into radiation treatment and the tumors stopped growing so we could go back into chemotherapy. That is until she was admitted into the hospital on September 12, 2012. From there things started to take a drastic downward spiral. It was confirmed that my mother had a stroke and lost mobility/feeling of the right side of her body. From that point it went from bedside vigil to multiple doctors, various options to rehabilitation, battles with the insurance company, and finally her being transferred to another hospital for rehabilitation in mid-October. After waiting and fighting she was finally admitted into a Trauma-Unit Rehabilitation program because of her brain tumors. By this time she was admitted into it because her brain tumors had started to bleed.

Due to the bleeding blood thinners were stopped/slowed to prevent hemorrhaging in her brain. Eventually because of this stoppage in rehabilitation my mom regressed greatly to a point worse than where she started. It was at this point that she, “dropped ten points in a few days,” and her doctors decided to stop treatment and setup a hospice situation. Imagine our surprise to be called to the hospital and discuss with doctors that my mother, who had battled this bitch of a disease for over two years, only had “days to live” and was being sent home to be comfortable.

So now my mom sits at home being medicated on a level that would be nauseating to some waiting to pass. Anyone that’s consistently around her can see that she only has days or hours left. Last night she showed what might be considered and unusual amount of strength and activity. This woman, who has no mobility of her right side, can’t sit up, can’t stand, has to be moved by three people, can’t roll herself, can barely communicate, and managed to roll herself out of her hospital bed with someone sleeping in a chair beside her.

Yet, this nurse says weeks.